Ode to 2012! The Year of Astonishment.

"There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father who is over all in all and living through all." 

Ephesians 4:5-6

As this year wraps up and I recall all that has happened, I'm convinced that it has been the most sensational 365 days of my life. If I could give it a name, I'd call it Astonishment. And what a roller coaster Astonishment has been!! The Gospel isn't a stagnant message, but is a crazy ride so full of magnificent sights that it is difficult to breathe normally as each revelation provokes a gasp of disbelief! It's the feeling of living. It has been a year of intense conversations, immense thought, and (to steal a phrase from my pastor) lots of learning, unlearning and then re-learning.

I remember ringing in the New Year 2012 as my husband and I resolved to read through our one-year Bible together. We were desperate to try anything that might stir our hearts to love God and others. Three weeks later, it was obvious that it wasn't working. Around that time, I was listening to a podcast put on by two missionaries in South America that I found somewhat intriguing for a few days. They invited a guest speaker and as I listened to him, I became horrified. His subject was hell and how it was his motivation for evangelism. He would walk the streets of Atlanta daily, while carrying a large wooden cross in order to spark conversations with people about the afterlife and whether or not they wanted to spend it in Heaven or hell.

I got a sick feeling in my stomach and knew I should stop listening, but I didn't. He addressed the audience as his "friends" and continued with a message that reminded me a lot of Jonathan Edwards' famous sermon about sinner's in the hands of an angry God. Then he addressed the "backsliders" of the world - people that had made a commitment to Christianity, only to continue living a worldly life...people that, he claimed, were still in danger of hell. He had a twenty-point checklist that would help a person determine if they were in fact "backslidden". All twenty points described me. No exaggeration. I finally turned the podcast off, feeling beaten to my very core. You have to understand, I had not heard a message that portrayed God in this light since high school. I knew better. I knew that most of my friends who preached the goodness of God would find it ridiculous. The problem was that I had never become fully convinced of the goodness of God myself, and so fear seized me.

I spent the entire day angry and depressed. I had zero patience or enjoyment of my seven-month-old son in those hours. All I wanted to do was sleep or watch a movie so that I could escape "reality". I apologized to God and told Him that I could not love Him if this these things were true; if we were meant to be drawn to Him out of fear rather than His infinite kindness. I begged Him to bring me peace before I'd go to bed that night. When my husband came home from work and we ate dinner, I couldn't even speak to him because I knew I'd crumble into a lump of hopeless tears.

As I lay down to sleep that night, restless, I felt Abba holding me and whispering, "Peace, daughter."
"How am I suppose to feel peace if I'm scared of you, repulsed even?!"
"It's not me you're repulsed by. You are repulsed by the Accuser. He is trying to convince you to worship him by making you think that he is Me. It's the same deception he's always tried." Hope began rising in my heart.
"How do I know? How do I know that this is you speaking to me right now?"
"What are the fruits of my Spirit?"
I recited them from memory, "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."
"Yes. Sound doctrine, true doctrine will always cause you to produce those things toward me and toward others. Today you have experienced anger, bitterness, impatience with your son and husband, hatred toward me, and restlessness in your heart. Those are the rotten fruits of fear and death. You will produce them whenever you agree with the Accuser; whenever you agree with a lie."
"This sounds too good to be true."
"That's the point of worship: Astonishment."
I melted and slept in a heavenly kind of peace. And so began the ride.

The next day a friend introduced me to the grace teachings of Joseph Prince and shortly after that I discovered the blog that I mentioned in my introductory post. I had never heard anything that so exalted the beauty of what happened on the cross. It seemed so simple. My husband and I listened to him everyday for the next three months as we became endeared to Jesus. From there, it got even better when we discovered evangelists John Crowder, Andre Rabe, Francois du Toit and Baxter Kruger. I am convinced that their presentation of the Gospel is the purest goodness and truth that has been preached since Paul, John and Peter! My heart burns when I hear their declarations of the love of Father, Son and Spirit and the implications of that great love. I become overwhelmed with love for God and love for my fellow man. I become myself.
I can no longer accept a Gospel that's anything less - anything less than the Father, Son and Spirit's decision to include all of humanity in the life, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus - anything that threatens to steal from this bliss cannot be the Gospel.

For the past 15 years of my life I have wished for the boldness to preach the Gospel unashamed, to feel love for the unlovables, to learn splendid things from the Holy Spirit through the Bible and personal encounter. I've wished to be free from judgmentalism, selfishness and laziness. I've wished to know God as He knows me. I've longed to witness miracles and supernatural manifestations. I've hoped for contentment and thankfulness in all circumstances. I've wanted a desire to pray.

And after so many years of striving, of trying to figure out how to develop the character and nature of Jesus, of spending hours confessing my sins in accountability groups and with partners, of crying out to God in massive assemblies for revival, I was no closer to attaining my goal than when I first started. I believed in a god that doesn't exist.

It was only when I heard the Good News declared to me, "You're already like your Father revealed in Jesus, not because of anything you've said or done or believed, but because of what Jesus has done and believes" that I began to live and experience the life I always dreamed. The things that seemed impossible before are beginning to feel easy now; not because I've discovered the secret of discipline or will-power or dying daily to self or becoming a better person. In fact, I haven't done anything! I just heard the truth and, even that, I didn't believe out of my own good choice or decision. I only believed because I was persuaded. Otherwise I could not have just forced myself - willed myself - to believe. Sometimes we admit that grace is a free gift, but we want to hold on to the one good work that we think we have to offer, the one part we have to play: Faith, our free choice. This used to confuse me so much as a kid. I would hear someone say, "Jesus' grace is an absolutely free gift. You can do nothing to earn it. But you still have to believe in order for the blood to cover you." Somehow, if a person didn't believe then it wasn't true for them. It only became true, they were only included, once they accepted it. Until then, they were outsiders to the grace of God. What an immense amount of pressure this places on the work of faith! Then it becomes a labor to figure out, what must I believe and confess exactly to be saved? Well, you you must believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, was God in the flesh, was the Son of God, died on the cross to take away my sin, and rose again three days later (or one of the many variations of this). Funny, I believed all of this for years without experiencing the joy of my salvation. Maybe I was believing wrong? Maybe I wasn't sincere enough in my confession? Maybe my faith wasn't great enough? How many times have I repeated the Sinner's Prayer hoping that maybe this time it will stick?

One of the most wonderful treasures of 2012 was becoming convinced that my faith doesn't save me. But God's faith does! When I realized this, the roller coaster of my year peaked! I cried thankful tears of relief. It no longer was a burden of "What do I believe about God", instead it became the wonder of discovering what He believes about me!!! Make no mistake, it is wonderfully elating to uncover truth about God, but His heighth and depth and width and breadth will take an eternity to begin to comprehend. I do not have to understand everything or have it all figured out. The pressure is off and has been replaced by a peace that FAR transcends my own understanding. You see, if our salvation is dependent on our own faith, then we MUST figure out exactly what we believe. We must draw lines and create denominations when disagreements come about for fear that we might get it wrong, we might be led astray.

Imagine the freedom, the barriers that would crumble if we knew that only God's faith, that He revealed in Jesus, saves us; if we believed there is only one faith...His...and He is the author, perfecter and finisher of it. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and that, not of yourselves! It is the GIFT of God." Ephesians 2:8. If we get this, we may finally begin enjoying our salvation! We could stop trying to figure out how to become more holy or righteous or how to tell people to get saved and realize that His faith already believes it's done! Proclamation of the truth encourages people to believe and be the saved people they already are!

Do you want to know my favorite thing that God believes? He actually believes that it is finished. He believes that the sin of the entire world was destroyed in the body of Jesus. He believes that ALL things were made new in the resurrection of Jesus. He believes that Jesus poured the Spirit out on all flesh...hey, that includes me and you, whoever you are! He believes that we're holy, blameless and spotless before Him. He believes that by His stripes, we were COMPLETELY healed. He believes that death has been defeated. He believes that as He is - standing face-to-face with His Father - so are we in this world. He believes that He has successfully found everything that belongs to Him. He believes that everything belongs to Him! He believes that He is all in all and that He fills all things. He believes that we're free, that we're His beloved sons. He believes that laying down His life was enough to justify, sanctify and make us righteous. He believes that He's reconciled the whole world to Himself. He believes that He's made peace with every man through His blood. He believes that He is Immanuel, God dwelling with us and in us!

So, either He is insane or it's all true! Not true for some, but for all! It's not held for some future date or event, not true when you believe it, but true right now, despite apparent contradictions. Faith is the substance of what we hope for, evidence of things unseen. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. So when we hear what the Word of God believes and declares as truth and His faith becomes awakened in us through hearing, we finally see what has been real all along! We recognize the substance of the unseen...the thing that is unshakable by circumstance or what is currently experienced. Faith allows us to, at last, enjoy reality. Hell and the uncertainty of our lives disappear as reality chases away illusion.

I'm definitely not implying that personal faith isn't important or necessary. How can someone revel in the vastness and glory of the Grand Canyon if they sleep through it? Or imagine that I own all of the money in the world and find a pauper and deposit the money into a bank account with his name on it. He is now a gazillionnaire. But if no one tells him the truth about who he is; if no one says, "Hey, you're rich!" he will continue to live the life and have the experiences of a pauper, even though it's a lie...a complete delusion. In the same way, if all of humanity has been reconciled to God, cleansed and justified and righteous and restored to perfection in the love from which they were originally created, but no one tells them; or if when they're told, they're still too wounded or hardened by the experiences and disappointments of this life to believe something too wonderful for words, they will continue living the life of someone alienated in their minds from Him. Even though it's a lie...a complete delusion.

God's union with humanity in the person of Jesus is undoable. We had no free choice in the matter because we were incapable of making a good decision. How can a slave make a "free" choice? We were slaves to sin who couldn't choose another master even if we wanted to. If we could have, there was no reason for Jesus to do what he did. He could have just told us the truth and we could have chosen to believe him or not. But he knew we were utterly infected by sin and its hold on us. We were blind, deaf and didn't know our right hand from our left. We needed a Messiah to save us from ourselves by making the decision for us! Our faith is not the one good decision we ever made, our faith is just His faith, His unshakeable faith, persuading us of the truth - the truth of who we are and the truth of who He is, as revealed in Jesus. It's the Good Shepherd gently leading us away from a cliff and into green pastures.

This may not seem like a big deal to some. After all, why does it matter if our faith makes the Gospel true for us, or if our faith simply recognizes what was true for us all along? Because it's the difference between seeing people as outsiders or insiders. It's the difference between seeing ourselves as beginning from a place of separation and being on the outs with God, and then, once we accept him into our hearts or profess our faith, we become one with Him, are granted forgiveness, etc. Rather than realizing that it's only because He's already forgiven that I can receive it. It's only because He already loves me that I can love Him. It's only because He is already kind that I can change my mind (repent) about Him and see His kindness. It's only because Christ is already in me that I can believe and see the truth, that has been hidden for ages, revealed! And it's only because He persuades me that I can believe. He has beaten us to everything!

For me, this clarification frees me from the fear of maybe not having it all right. It frees me from fear over whether or not my faith is genuine enough. And when I'm this secure and assured that my Father loves me and has done everything to ensure our reconciliation already; that when I was completely faithless and steeped in unbelief, He was still faithful; that when all I could see was a dirty sinner, He saw a holy, blameless and spotless daughter; I'm free to look away from myself. I'm free to love and live and consider others before myself. I'm overwhelmed with a desire for others to know about their union with God. I can look at anyone, no matter their belief or lifestyle or contradiction and I can proclaim Paul's words when he said, "I've come to the conclusion that if one died for all, then all died...I no longer regard anyone according to the flesh." I can understand the love that Peter was overwhelmed with in Acts, after his trance, when he went to Cornelius' house and said, "God has shown me that I must not regard any man as unclean!"

One of the hangups to the notion that our faith is more a persuasion of God's faith than our own good choice to believe the right way is that someone will ask, "Well then why are some not persuaded? And why are some persuaded immediately?" I probably do not have a satisfactory answer for you, but here's my thought:

We are all created as distinct individuals. Papa God through Jesus does not establish a relationship with the whole world while neglecting His relationship with each and every person. All of us come from different backgrounds, are raised in different families, surrounded by different friends. No two people have the exact same story. Not to mention, we all have incredibly different personalities. This is meant to be beautiful and to stir up awe and wonder as we engage in relationship with one another. Papa is not boring or unimaginative. He is patient as He enters into the lives of us all and works to reveal Himself through Jesus by the Spirit. I love this about Him. He doesn't force Himself upon us, but He gently earns our trust as He enjoys wooing us with His extravagant love, casting out our fear, while bearing patiently with our confusion and misconceptions about Him. He also leaves room for us to participate in this gigantic story! Those of us who are persuaded quickly run out to tell those of us who need to hear the truth one or two or 100 more times. His desire is that we would all be as intimately involved in one another's lives, and in the revealing of Christ in each other, as He is intimately connected with us. In John 17:20-21 Jesus prays, "I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they may also be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me."

I don't need to understand it all as much as I simply want to enjoy it. With childlike wonder, I'll watch the story of the world unfold and the stories of my brothers and sisters. And I'll dance with delight as Papa invites me to participate. I do love Him so. Jesus has accomplished the impossible and His accomplishment allows me to hope for all things!

Thank you Abba God for 2012. For persuading me of your goodness and leading me into truth. I know that you have been anticipating this year of my life since before you even formed me in my mother's womb. May 2013 bring new discoveries and may I participate daily, hourly, moment-by-moment in your romancing of the world! In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit! Amen!