Today is my 32nd birthday. And this poem/psalm attempts to reveal the lesson that the Spirit of Jesus teaches me over and over and over again. My birthday wish as I begin my 33rd year of life is that I would be more and more fully myself and that freedom to be who I am in Christ would reign in increasing measure.
Even If
Warm concrete beneath my back; vast, blue atmosphere filling my vision.
Resting in Daylight’s comforting lap;
Clumps of leafy greens waving from giant oaks and maples
Fifty unique bird melodies singing simultaneously
Lawn mowers cutting fresh patterns of neatness in lush carpets of grass
Kids with sun-pinked skin splashing in cool water
People moving in and out of routines, conversing about the mundane, planning for weekend adventure.
I am suddenly aware that in the easy shiningness of this bright world, the vaulted ceiling of sky is as far as my eyes can see, no matter how much I strain. The reflected firmament of heaven- even at its clearest, cloudless moment- becomes a veil; a limit on infinity.
The glowing blue fades to orange…
to pink…
to deep purple…
to black.
Fear of shadows and all that cannot be seen steals the comfort that was mine only an hour ago.
It’s thick and unknown; impenetrable.
My eyes scan my surroundings trying to form recognition, but it’s useless.
I wasn’t made to see in the dark. All comprehension eludes me.
My heart beats in hard hyper-vigilance; every tiny snapped twig brings to mind one thousand possible dangers.
Thoughts run untamed on an endless string of confusion and perplexity.
I squeeze shut my eyes and clench tightly my fists.
Survival instincts tempt me to close my whole being, whispering false promises of security in shutting out the unfamiliar and cursing this darkness as evil.
But I’ve bitten from this apple many times before. I’ve tasted the death that follows; the easy and broad and safe road that leads to hell.
So I will - I force! - my body to lie still,
To breathe in and out to a steady, quieting rhythm.
Inhale…silence. Exhale…silence.
With my mind emptied of its terroristic chatter, my ears begin alerting me to the pleasant chirping of crickets;
Surprise and delight jolt through my bones,
I am not alone here!
Fellow creatures invite me to join their tinkling melody in the darkness.
An unexpected song begins to rise in my heart.
I feel their tiny cricket love seep into my checst, beckoning me to open my hands.
All of me begins to open, to trust.
Their loudness emboldens me to open my eyes and gaze upward once again.
The stars!
A gasp catches in my throat at the glittering blackness before me.
The sky-wall is transformed into sky-window!
In the hour of darkness, the veil has been torn!
Peering into worlds beyond, worlds glowing with light, they welcome me to wonder at them; this deeply hospitable cosmos that can only be viewed by those brave enough to lie still, to lie awake and expectant in the dark. These twinkling places that speak through their brilliance from some billions of lightyears of distance.
The gap between me and them closes as we behold one another and my spirit joins the dance of the celestial bodies.
The Father of Lights, the faithful Abba of both day and night, pours hope into this bare-naked heart, expanding the breadth of my vision with brutal gentleness.
My mind still cannot fathom.
I feel small and large at once.
Eternity pumps blood through this mortal body.
Then an image appears of a nail-scarred hand reaching for my soul.
I am a child with barely any faith,
But still he kindly asks, “May I have your seed?”
Trembling, I place it in his crucified mark, where all fear and faith are held.
Burning eyes lock my gaze as he breathes on my tiny seed-soul.
Lightning flashes east to west and in a moment, the world is changed,
drenched in beauty and glory. Resurrection!
Heat still radiates, connecting my body to ground,
The greeting of Dawn.
Beginning.
